Call It A Dragon, Then~ In Which I Announce My Intentions To Vanish For A While And Share A Random Bit Of Writing

Hello, my friends!

I hope that you are having a fantastic May. I hope that flowers are blooming where you are, and that baby animals are appearing, and that you are enjoying the endless wonders of God’s creation with a generous and grateful heart. I hope that you are getting enough sleep and eating enough snacks and spending enough time with people who love you. If no one has smiled at you today, this sponge is figuratively sending you a smile and hoping for a better day for you tomorrow.

I do mean all that seriously, though it sounds a bit silly. Sometimes serious things can be silly at the same time, right?

I have had the privilege in the last couple months of meeting two tiny new humans, my nephew (my very own precious nephew!!) and my cousin’s baby girl (who is technically my first cousin once removed, but that’s kind of a mouthful). It’s kind of overwhelming how blessed these little ones make me feel. They remind me that in spite of all the suffering, there is goodness in this world.

So life is good. It’s also busy. I’m involved in yet another musical, and enjoying it immensely. It’s my first time actually acting in a show in over a year, and I missed it. Also, I get to be a part of a bloodthirsty French mob again, which is always a joy.

But actually I’m here to tell you that I’m going on hiatus. Partly because of the show, partly because the sunshine tells me I should be spending more time outside, and partly because I want to focus more on my writing projects, which have been sadly neglected of late.

I have a curse (you must read this very dramatically) that causes me great anguish when I am not working on a story. Sometimes I get distracted enough not to care, but as soon as I remember that I’ a writer who is not writing, I become exceedingly agitated.

I cannot let go of the idea that I’m a “Writer”. I want desperately to be one (don’t forget, dramatically), for whatever reason. I feel as though I need to be one. And when I’m not writing, or only writing things that feel meaningless, my mind is overcome by some semblance of cognitive dissonance. How can I be a writer who doesn’t write??

And I know I could spare myself all this silly suffering if I just…applied myself. If I just decided to write. So, yes. It’s totally self-inflicted. But writer’s block can be terribly intimidating, and sometimes deadly.

I am going to write this summer. I am determined to do it. I think.

So, today I leave you with a vague promise to return at some later date (who knows exactly when that will be, but I will be back), and a small scribble of mine that was sort of meant to be about writer’s block but also kind of about depression and apathy, it turns out. It’s very dramatic, and rather silly, but it is still true. My heart is very dramatic and silly, incidentally. Sometimes you just have to embrace the cliché.

Take Back the Castle

Yes, there’s a castle. Yes, there’s a dragon guarding that castle. There always is in these sorts of cases.

But don’t stop now. You have to keep on, full speed ahead, or you’ll miss everything.

What about the dragon, you say? What about it? It is scary, I suppose, to run straight towards a mean, scaly dragon with blazing eyes. But you have to do it, or it’ll beat you, just like that. That’s how this dragon beats you, by making you think this whole thing is hopeless. It makes you give up without even trying. That’s how this dragon beats you.

So don’t let it beat you.

Don’t you dare stop now. You’re going to reach that castle. It is your castle, after all.

Don’t you remember?

The dragon, admittedly, is huge. It has grown fat on all the wasted moments of your life. It will only get bigger, if you don’t do something about it. And the truth is (and trust me on this) you are the only one who can.

It is flapping its massive wings and breathing out its fiery breath. You can feel it on your face. It’s hot enough to bring tears to your eyes, if you had any tears left inside of you. But you don’t, it ate those up too. One of the many things you have to get back. That’s why you keep going, despite how much your knees are quaking, despite how much you want to curl up on the ground and go to sleep.

You know that if you stop now, you’ll never have the courage to stand up again.

You look that dragon in the eye. You stare it down. Yes, it’s angry. Why wouldn’t it be? It knows you are a threat, and it wants to keep your castle all to itself. It’s grown so used to living there, gorging itself on your mummified dreams.

You are wondering what it will be like to be swallowed up by that bright red mouth. Snap out of it. You are not going to be swallowed. You are going to beat that dragon. You are going to win that castle back.

Aren’t you going to draw your sword? Yes. That’s it. Steady.

You’re almost there now.

You’re almost there.