Good day, my merry friends!
It is a good day, you see, because I have been tagged! The tag in question is for writers like myself. It is called The Imaginary Assistant Tag.
Clearly someone has recognized my dire need for help.
As writers, we have everything under control. Which is why we need assistants. Obviously.
Okay, the truth is as a writer I have absolutely no clue what I am doing and having an assistant might save my life. Then again, it might not.
Here are the rules to the tag (which, of course, I intend to follow):
1. Thank the person who tagged you and link back to their blog (assistants won’t work for ungrateful bosses). Much thanks to the illustrious Eden @ The Happy Hedgehog, whose blog is a thing to behold- you should all go visit at your earliest convenience.
2. Link back to the creator of the tag. Credit here goes to Aberdeen and Mariposa, the folk at Dino’s Digest. I think one of them is a real live dinosaur, guys.
3. Tag 5-10 bloggers who need assistants (and if they don’t need them, tag them anyway). I will get to this presently.
Please answer the following questions so the author assistant agency can find the right assistant for you:
1. What type of creature/species would you like your assistant to be (human, animal, dragon, dinosaur, figment of your imagination, etc.) and why?
Hm, I think I would like my assistant to be a potato that can talk and shape-shift into a blender. Don’t ask why, I honestly have no idea. (I did once have a character who was obsessed with potatoes and maybe now that is catching up to me…?)
2. What do you want your assistant to look like?
A potato. Sometimes a blender. The blender would have a dark blue base and lid. That’s about all I’ve got.
3. What qualities are you looking for in an assistant (responsible, lovable, exasperating, etc.)?
The most important qualities for my assistant would be loyalty, wisdom, wit, honesty, literacy, and the ability to extract ideas from my brain. As painlessly as possible.
4. What job(s) would your assistant be in charge of?
My assistant would be in charge of offering endless synonyms and antonyms and alternate ways of describing a certain facial expression or action while I am writing.
In addition, my assistant would be in charge of chasing unwanted humans and telephones and taxes from my presence. By yodeling. And playing the accordion. (My assistant can also play the accordion, by the way.)
Also, my assistant would be in charge of keeping track of and organizing all of the random scraps of paper and notebooks and things that I possess, so that if I ever need to know where some small scene or picture of an eyeball is, I won’t have to dig through a mountain of paper to find it. I will just ask my assistant.
Lastly, my assistant would be in charge of making me deliciously invigorating smoothies with lots of citrus and no bananas.
5. What would you like your assistant to be named?
Podifferus Omar Blendly. Pob for short.
6. What would you feed your assistant (candy, books, pickles, etc)?
I would feed Pob all the garbage that comes out of my brain. He would be more than happy to consume the streams of half-baked ideas and words, hopelessly jumbled and choked in clichés. He would thrive on that stuff.
7. How would you pay your assistant and what benefits would you offer as compensation for their work?
Um…pay? Well… I would pay him with sheet music, for his accordion.
A benefit of working for me would be a new pair of slippers every other month. Potatoes don’t have feet of course, but slippers make comfy beds as well.
The main benefit of working for me though is that I would offer sanctuary to him and insurance that my sisters would never eat him.
8. What special abilities would you like your assistant to have (i.e. ice powers to freeze writer’s block, super strength to break writer’s block, or super stupidity to stare at you while you’re having writer’s block)?
Well, Pob can already turn into a blender at will, which is a pretty special ability, but it would also be nice if he could have a built in Literary Masterpiece Detector (LMD). This would be useful while writing or while looking for a good book to read. If I am writing, Pob can let me know as I go whether or not what I am writing is good or terrible, and if I am at a library he can lead me to the books that I really want to read.
9. Where would you like your assistant to be from (Jurassic Park, Narnia, your head)?
I would like Pob to be from the garden of Samwise Gamgee in Middle Earth. Of course he would have had to be enchanted later on to be sentient and be able to turn into a blender and all that, but originally he should be from Sam’s garden, because all the best potatoes are.
10. Will you solemnly swear to you will not fire your assistant in either sickness or in health, for richer for poorer, smarter or stupider, writing or not writing, for as long as you both shall live?
I will make no such promise, thank you very much. I would like to think the best of Pob, naturally, but if he ever started yodeling during my nap time or making less than stellar smoothies I might have to let him go.
If you thought I forget to tag people, I didn’t.
The Temperamental Writer @ All Things Trivial and Insignificant
deshipley @ Ever On Word
Chelsea @ An Ordinary Pen
…That’s about ten, right? Yeah.
Whew, that was hard work. Who knew it would be so difficult to come up with a being that would actually be helpful? I make up characters all day long, but most of them would be terrible assistants, let me tell you. Pob is one of a kind. I hope he shows up soon to help me sort out my writing life.
Thanks again to Eden for tagging me!
Happy writing, everyone.